Why I hate squirrels!!!

First of all let me say this FUCK SQUIRRELS!!! I hate the lil bastards. You’re probably thinking "How can he hate squirrels, they are so cuddly and cute?" Yea, I'm sure Bin Laden had some cute baby pics but look how that turned out. Let me tell you the story behind my hatred for these lil bushy tailed faggots.

It all started when I was around 8 years old. I was a happy little child without a care in the world (still had a very round head tho, smh.) All I wanted to do is run and play in the park and be one with Gods creations. On the day in question I was with my best friend from primary school, who I subsequently stopped talking to at a later date after I found out that he felt it interesting to taste his own urine by pissing in a bottle and drinking it, it was at that point that I realised maybe I need to re-evaluate this friendship because I’m not about this urine tasting life, but that’s a whole other story altogether...I digress... So we were in the park riding our bikes and doing things that 8 year olds do... nah, but seriously this dirty nigga really took the time out to piss in a bottle and taste it and give a synopsis of what it tasted like afterwards like it’s a fuckin wine tasting event tho.... yet again I digress...you know what let me just stick to the story of why I hate squirrels. Aaaaaaaanywho we are riding our bikes through Peckham Rye park and we stop when we see a squirrel and I pick up an acorn or a pine cone or whatever the fuck the lil cunts eat and held out my hand to give it to him/ her and the bastard took it and shanked me with its claws. As I blood gushed from my potentially fatal wound which would surely need close to 139 stitches and probably severed various vital nerve ends leading to years of subsequent physiotherapy, my 8 years on this earth flashed before my eyes the first thought I had was "who shall I leave my Ninja Turtle toys and premier league shiny stickers to in my will"... ok maybe it wasn’t that bad, it was just a lil scratch but there was still blood and it did hurt. I swear the squirrel threw up a 'P' for Pecknarm before running off up the tree with the gift of kindness I presented him with. What pissed me of the most about this whole scenario is that he took my friends acorn in quite a friendly manner and even seemed to give him a friendly 'yardie head nod' afterwards as if to say "nuh seh nuttin, yuh ah real yout" and didn’t shank him. And this is why I hate squirrels.


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