Top 10 places where creeps hang out in a club

Now I’m sure the title of this blog entry has caught your eye for one of many potential reasons. You could be a female trying to learn the blueprints of your average club to figure out the creepy corners which the black hands of hungry negros suddenly appear from and grab your arm, with un-moistured dilapidated silver back gorilla knuckles, orange palms and yellow fingertips and you are hoping to avoid such contact with these thirsty baboons. Another possibility is that you are a ‘Junior Apprentice Creep’ or ‘Creep In Training’ trying to earn your stripes and climb the ladder of creepiness and enter the hall of fame. Or you could just be reading this because you thought it might be funny. So without further delay I’m going to break down the Top 10 places in a club that creeps will occupy.

10) Upstairs balcony: Now if the club is large enough your average creep will take sniper range from the upstairs balcony looking down on proceedings. This is advantageous for two reasons i) like a famished vulture soaring the skies of Lagos he can spot his prey from a distance without them even having a clue and put the contingency plan in place if they divert ii) so they can look down a woman’s cleavage and get it all out of their system before hitting them with the death grip when they come within range so they cannot be distracted by jiggling boobies and concentrate on intimidating her into giving her number

09) The smoking area: This one is kind of hard for your average creep because it involves actually engaging with a female and having converse. Creeps generally aint about that conversation life, they rely on the heavy bassline of the sound system to enable them to mumble sweaty filth into a woman’s ear while thrusting their pelvic area against their victims side and strategically positioning them self between their victim and her friends. However for the more witty creep with the gift of the gab this is a dream. They will spend majority of their night in the smoking area asking if women have got a light.

08) The bar: Now depending on the quality of creep a woman may encounter will depend on where she will be creeped on. i) Uncle Creep: Uncle Creep will be just standing at the bar waiting for, what he believes to be a victim. Now the thing about Uncle Creep is, he isn't very good at this and makes a habit of going raving on his own when he is clearly the oldest in the club by about 17years. He will spend his whole night buying random women drinks and whispering in their ear in the thickest Nigerian accent known to mankind "My yam is yours to pound". Then there is ii) Super Saver Creep: He places himself strategically at either end of the bar or within arms reach of his victim. Super saver creep is more advanced than Uncle Creep because he knows that they are already going to buy a drink and will wait until they have purchased it and then let the creep fest begin.

07) V.I.P: This particular type of creep will invite her into his V.I.P area and share his drinks with his victim and their friends and she might just think he is a friendly ol' chap UNTIL he shuffles up so close to on the seat he is rubbing the Cocoa Butter off his victims legs and his arm is around her stroking her arm and grazing her skin with his cheese grater like ashy hands. This creep will doesn’t whisper in your ear he just breaths hot breath accompanied by words that could be English or Croatian but you’re not quite sure so you just smile and ask for more ‘pre-spiked’ champagne.

06) The corner next to the dj box: Usually this is where the djs congregate but there is always one creep who doesn’t know anyone in that circle but stands in the darkest possible corner near the dj booth. This is the type of area Yardie Creeps thrive because they will chill and remain calm, but God help you when Vybz Kartel ‘Dumpa Truck’ comes on you better ask your friends to send 39 hail Mary's your way because you’re gonna be in that corner for a long time. Although Yardie Creep is looks very skinny and feeble in appearance don’t let this fool you. Yardie Creep possesses ‘Super Saiyan Gazza Mi Seh Strength’ and will not be letting you go for a loooooooooooooooong time because in Yardie Creep terms this means that he now owns you and he has done backed 3 dragon stouts and a magnum so "ah party mi seh".

05) Staircase: This one can be either on the staircase or at the bottom of the staircase. What’s the difference? I hear the women ask while wrapping their hair with their £7 Vauxhall market Gucci headscarf! If a man is standing at the bottom of the stairs he is probably just window shopping trying to look up skirts and dresses. However if he is on the stairs he is trying to grab you picking off the one he likes in an attempt to separate you from your friends like a grape from a bunch.

04) By a Pillar: Let me explain the significance of a pillar. Due to its shape, if large enough, a creep can strategically place himself in a position where he can observe from behind the pillar and slowly begin to rotate around until he is within death grip positioning and then POW!!!! He’s got her and performs the death roll taking her round the other side of the pillar where her friends can’t see her.

03) Corridors: Creeps will line up in a corridor just reaching and grabbing whatever walks past and pulling it in. The corridor if wide enough will be occupied on both sides and have waving monkey paws all the way down looking like a Third World coral reef of death trying to suck in its prey

02) The darkest corner in the room: a creep will always know how to map out a room and find the most dingily illuminated corner for him to grab his victim and his her ear with hot thirsty breath leaving his victim with a ear full of residue and a broken wrist. The thing about this corner is, he stays in it all night emerging from the shadows every now and then for feeding time which involves gently pressing his crutch on a girls behind while she is dancing and when she moves back on him he just drags her into the darkness not to be seen for another 20minutes or so.

01) Outside the women’s toilets: This is a haven for the modern creep. A creep knows that at some point EVERY woman is going to go in there so he will wait outside the toilet and just go on a gripsing spree, grabbing anything he can like its 1994 and he’s on 'Fun House'. The professional creep knows that a woman that has drank a lot that night will constantly be going to the toilet, with the possibility of her not washing her hands, but does he care NOOOOOOOOOOO, if he had a suitcase full of fucks and could right all the wrongs in the world he wouldn’t give not one fuck. He just grabs away like a Octapuss (no typo) creeping at every possible opportunity forgetting who he has already creeped on, creeping on friends, sisters, cousins he just don’t give a fuck, each conversation lasting on average of 23.4 seconds.

Hopefully you guys have found this Top 10 informative and resourceful and can accordingly plan your partying experience.

Follow me on twitter @djbonekidd